FIELD REPORT 1: Confidence Rebuild
There are some people - former colleagues plus a few past managers - who didn't quite jive with or "get" my style of work and leadership. How do I know this? Because at various stages in my career, I've been told I am "too accountable", "too empathetic", "too vulnerable", and "lacking robustness."
I'll just jump to the finish line on this and say: As of today, I confidently agree to disagree with these individuals.
But that wasn't always the case. Each time I received this type of feedback - almost always and rather conspicuously delivered to me following a scenario that made the other individual look less than their best - my instinct was to apologize and kickstart the self-doubt spiral.
What I found, though, was that I would always feel totally at odds with my own response. Because in reality - I was never sorry - not in any of those instances. Deep in my gut, I was sure I had behaved exactly as I felt was appropriate and necessary given the conditions. And I was 100% sure I would do the same thing again if given the chance. But, my nervous system would get so overloaded when faced with other people's insecure projections, that I would just buckle and admit I was wrong or would promise to improve.
Fact is - when your people-pleasing conditioning is so strongly wired (shout out to my fellow first born daughters!), saying insane things like: "yes, you're right - I shouldn't have taken accountability for a part of that project that went awry. Next time I will lie and shift blame," or "That makes sense - sure, next time my team is wrecked and terrified after a restructure, I'll pretend they're not human beings with feelings," or "No, it's fine, I am not angry or disrespected at all by you saying my team adds no value," just feels easier than standing by your own convictions in the moment. So you do. Even while every rational cell in your body is screaming at you to not compromise your integrity to accommodate someone else's insecurities.
That type of self-silencing and mis-prioritization of other people's thoughts and feelings over your own - especially over years and years - will take a toll on even the most crystallized sense of self.
But the good news is: Confidence is a superpower that we develop slowly over the course of our life, which is to say it has its peaks and valleys. It has its long stretches of open, uneventful road. It even gets ahead of itself sometimes and propels us forward too quickly only so we can get blown straight off the path again. It is a slow burn romance (with yourself), complete with all the relationship drama.
My point is: it doesn't take some major failure or life event gone wrong to lose your confidence. Sometimes - I suspect a lot of times - it simply starts to slip from our grip a little by little. So while confidence may be a superpower, its absence - or the 'temporary misplacement of it' as I prefer to say - doesn't equate to weakness. It's just sort of par for the course. A chance to reflect on what's driving the change. And an opportunity for reclamation - of your voice, energy and sense of self-worth.
For anyone who read my recent post about my fever dream project, Second Flight, you know I promised to build out my content/potential future programs in real time, on camera, from all up in the messy middle. No how-to’s. No perfect conclusions. Just honest observations from someone rebuilding confidence one vulnerable check-in at a time.
So today, I’m sharing a 5-minute field report from the front lines of rebuilding confidence. In it, I talk through three small but powerful ways that have helped me find my footing again:
Walk!!
Do one "scary" thing per day
Engage in self-inquiry every day. Lately, I’ve been asking myself the hard question: Where did my voice go — and when did I first start whispering?
No - these aren’t earth-shattering. They’re intentionally small. And frankly, common sense. But that’s the point — momentum starts with motion, not mastery.
(Click the headline to view the video)